Suspension

Zachary got suspended from school today because yesterday he hit a kid and gave him a black eye. I was told this was during lunch recess, however I was serving yard duty during that time watching Zachary's class and no incident was reported to me, nor did a child come to me with an injury. I had no clue about this so I was caught completely off guard. I agreed to the suspension, walked to Zach's class and picked him up. His teacher asked me if I knew what happened yesterday and I told her I have no clue. She apologized, gave Zach a big hug and apologized to him, and told him to have fun with his mom. I don't think the teacher or principal wanted to suspend Zach, but unfortunately school policy says if one child injures another child, he/she will be suspended for one day. Personally, I don't really understand the form of punishment in suspensions, especially for a Kindergardener. I remember back in the day when I was to stay home and serve a suspension, I really enjoyed it. I slept in, watched TV all day, played video games, ect. I remember once my mother even took me to Disneyland on a day I was serving an at home suspension. Where is the punishment here? And I really don't see how Zachary will understand that him not having to go to school is punishment for hitting another kid. We stayed home, watched "The Avengers" twice, washed my car, and drew fun pictures of ourselves. We had fun lounging around and relaxing. Here's Zachary's self-portrait.



I told Zachary when he is ready to talk about what happened to tell me, and we will go sit underneath his bed and talk. He finally came up to me around noon and said "I am ready to talk". So I walked with him back to the room and we sat underneath his bed. He told me that he hit the boy in the face because he was being mean to him and trying to take his glasses. Now that I know Zach's side of the story I can somewhat understand why Zach got mad. I always get on Zachary to take care of his glasses and to protect them. So when I see him acting out and attempting to break his glasses, I do get upset with him. I take them from him and make him sit in time out without them. Zach's vision is dreadful, so being without his glasses seems like an acceptable punishment to me. I told Zachary that if ever anyone tried to take his glasses from him to immediately run and tell an adult. I let him know that no matter what, it is NOT okay to hit someone. He said that after he hit the boy he apologized. Obviously, he realized that his actions were wrong since he willingly apologized to the boy. After Zach told me his side of the story, I told him that I am not mad at him but he needs to try harder at keeping his hands to himself. I also gave him a big hug and a "special kiss" and told him that no matter what he does, good or bad, I love him with all my "hearts". (Special kisses are kisses on the forehead. I have been doing this to him since he was born. I also put quotes on hearts because he never uses the word in a singular way. Too much "Doctor Who" maybe.)

I think it's interesting how Zachary acts the same exact way his father acts when he's angry. I call him "The Hulk" more to describe the way J blows up in anger, but I feel I'm insulting "The Hulk" when I do because I'm a huge nerd and I think he's pretty cool and I'm pretty sure J can put the real Hulk to shame. But when Zach get's angry, it's a complete mirror of his father. He starts screaming and yelling, he clenches his fists or does this really annoying thing with his hands that's hard to describe, and he kicks and hits objects or people. For J to say it's not something Zachary learned while on visitation at his house, in my mind is complete crap. Zach hit's in anger when he feels like someone is doing something wrong or being mean. When J felt like Zachary was doing something wrong (touching stuff he's not supposed to) or being mean (hitting others) J would spank/hit/flick Zachary to teach him that hitting, along with many other things, is wrong. Fighting fire with fire. And this man says Zachary doesn't learn these things from him. I just feel that he knows he can get away with this crap. He even openly admitted in court that he physically harms Zachary as a form of punishment. The courts did nothing to stop him but instead gave him an extra day and night for visitation. One day, Zachary came home saying his dad spanked him because he had an accident in his pants. He also said that his dad "flicked his face" because he wasn't looking at his dad while he was talking. I called CPS. A social worker came out and asked Zachary about the incident. Then the lady said that Zach's father can do whatever he wants to him when it comes to punishment, even if it is physical, just as long as it doesn't leave a mark or put Zachary in the hospital. I cried when the lady told me this. How is this right? If J were to hit a dog and it was reported, a full scale investigation would be launched and J would be serving jail time as well as a fine. This world is so majorly screwed up that a man can harm a child and get away with it, but can do the same exact thing to an animal and face jail time. Disgusting! I feel that J knows he can get away with this crap, and that's why it continues on today.

I haven't told Zach's dad yet because I am afraid for Zach. I know that when Zachary goes over for visitation, something will happen to him. I really pray that no harm comes to my boy. The other day when Zach got in trouble and sent home early from school, his father made him clean EVERY SINGLE baseboard in the house and also mop up the kitchen floor. This angered me because for one, how is this a good form of punishment for this child? It makes zero sense to me. Second, that house is a dump. Please do not make my son clean your mother's filthy house. According to you and your father's ancient man ways of thinking, that's her job. J's parent's did this punishments on them and obviously it didn't work. Stupid things like running a mile when they talk back or don't listen or cleaning the baseboards. I just don't see any good value in this punishment.

This post is pretty depressing, but Zach and I had a great day today. Man, if I knew yesterday that Zach would be suspended from school today I would have arranged a trip to Disneyland.

Zach's 2nd Appointment

Took Zach to his 2nd ADD/ADHD appointment today, and this time his father decided to show up. We walked into the room and I sat in the smaller kiddie chair in the corner and J sat in the chair next to me. Dr. Leong collected J's evaluation paper that he had to fill out and right away her first comments was how different his evaluation is from mine and Zach's teacher. Then, J said in a cocky and arrogant way, "Well that's cause he doesn't have ADHD. He's a bad kid and his mom isn't disciplining him." Okay, low blow and accusations from the start. This appointment is going to be horrible. The doctor asked him if he has done any research on ADHD and he again said "No, I don't have to cause he doesn't have it." (Ignorant much?) She then told him that he has majority of the symptoms and that she feels Zach has "combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive ADHD". 

For those who don't know, there are 3 classifications of ADHD. Predominately hyperactive-impulsive, predominately inattentive, and combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. The doctor has placed him in the combined category because of the evaluations Zach's teacher and I filled out, and also from what she observed.

The doctor went on to explain the ways to treat ADHD and one of them was coping skills. This is something that both parents need to do for their child to help them. He refused to changed his parenting ways and said that since Zach doesn't act like this when he is with him he's not the one that needs to change. She then suggested we take parenting classes that specialize in parenting a kid with ADHD, and guess what, he said no that as well. The second way to treat ADHD is a help through the school (504 plan) which, thank God, they have already taken steps to do and do not need J's permission to do so. The third form of treatment is "the diet" which cuts carbs, sugars, and dyes from his diet and includes more protein. He reluctantly agreed to that one, but when I said that means NO MORE FAST FOOD, he gave me the look of death. I was actually getting a bit scared of him at this point. Fourth of course, is medication. Dr. Leong said that since he falls into the combined category, is doing poorly academically and socially in school, and there have been no changes, she suggests starting Zach on a dose of methylphenidate CR (Ritalin CR) and see if he improves while on the medication. J immediately said with an I know everything attitude "No, I'm not going to agree to it". Right then and there I just felt the huge lump in my throat and the tears about to pour out from my eyes. He then went on to insult me even more. Right in front of my son, he called me "a bad mom" and said all these issues are my fault because I don't punish Zach for his bad behavior.

I'm sorry but I refuse to beat my son into submission. I choose to approach his bad behavior differently. If Zach does something wrong, I give him a "1 strike" rule. For example, today a kid in Zach's class was "being mean" to him. So Zach took it into his own hands and pushed the kid. I saw this, walked up to Zach, came down to his level and said that he cannot push other people. I tell him it's mean and he could really hurt someone. Zach then told me why he pushed the kid and I told him if he feels like someone is being mean, he needs to find an adult and tell them, not take matters into his own hands. I then showed him what the right thing to do was by taking him over to another adult that was working on the playground with me and tell her what happened. After he did that I thanked him and told him to always find an adult if someone is being mean. I then asked him what would he do if another kid was being mean and he said "find an adult". I then asked him he needs to find the other kid and apologize for pushing him. He walked over to the kid and said sorry. After that I gave him a big hug and kiss, thanked him for apologizing, and sent him on his way. His father would have fought fire with fire, and spanked him for hitting another kid. I don't see how affective that would be when it comes to teaching a child not to it. Hitting is a major issue with Zachary at school, and his father's abusive form of parenting does not help the situation at all. Or a more recent form of punishment is when they got home from school, J made Zachary wash all the baseboards in the house. This seriously annoyed me. For one, don't make my son clean your mother's filthy house. Second, how in the hell is that a reasonable punishment for a 5 year old who got sent home from school early for hitting another student? Does any of this make sense to anyone?

But back to the appointment, I sat in my little kiddie sized chair and listened to this man insult me while my son sat there and watched. I don't want my son exposed to his father's angry ways, especially when his father is verbally abusing his mother. I refuse to let Zachary become the "man" his father is. Because I was literally trapped in a corner unable to escape this verbal attack, I grabbed my iPod and let Zach listen to his playlist. J's continually said I am a "bad mom" and I am a "weak person" because I let Zach get away with everything. Dr. Leong tried three times to change the subject in order for him to stop, but he went on bashing me as a person and as a mother.  After 45 minutes of J's rant, the doctor finally got J to stop and said she wants us back in 3 months to see if there is a change.

I kept my mouth shut the entire time and let him verbally attack me. I didn't want to have "mediation" in front of Zachary, so many time's I said "we are not discussing this here" and also apologized many times to the doctor. I thought it would be best for me to keep my mouth shut and let him ramble on like a mad man. It hurt to take so many low blows from a man that I truly despise.

After saying goodbye to my boy and giving him a big hug and kiss, J and Zach walked to their car. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I don't understand why this "man" is refusing to help his own son. He's so stubborn and selfish. He's so cocky and arrogant in his thinking that his ways are the best that it blinds him from seeing what's best for Zach. I questioned putting Zach on medications. After seeing that Zach's behavior is getting worse and seeing him struggle academically, I refused to let my personal opinion on medication prevent Zach from getting what's best for him.

So, I continue the fight for my son because he is unable to do it alone. I have many people who support me and what I am trying to do for my son. It always amazes me that people who have never met my son, are willing to do more for him than his own father is. Continue to keep us in your prayers. I hope I can find ways to get things moving sooner rather than later, but I have a bad feeling that this will be a long and difficult fight for us.

Terrible Tuesday

Ever since the day J and I called it quits, visitation has been very difficult on Zach. I'm pretty sure that Zach loves and cares about his dad, but I know that he would much rather stay at HIS home with his mom. Zach and I have an incredibly close bond. From the day this little guy was born, I was pretty much the primary caregiver for him. I'm the one who woke up during the night to feed him, change him, and rock him back to sleep. For the first 3 months it was very difficult for me to take care of him during the night because of my c-section. Completely losing the use of your stomach muscles makes it very difficult to take care of a baby. But I couldn't ignore him during the night because I hurt. J never woke up to take care of him during the night because in his mind, it was a woman's job. So because it was so painful for me to climb out of bed and get a newborn baby out of his crib, Zachary slept on my chest for the first 3 months of his life. Some people may frown on this, but I feel that this helped Zach and I create the incredibly close bond that we have. Whenever Zach cried, I comforted him, fed him, played with him, or changed him. Zach could always count on me to be there for him. We are best buds after all. So I feel that it makes sense to why Zach would rather be at HIS home than anywhere else.

Because I have Zach on a consistant schedule, he knows when it's almost time to go to his dad's. So he starts to act up. More defiant than usual, hits more, and talks back more. He's also a bit more clingy and whinny usual and he gets frustrated more easily. Because of this, I expected the school days around his father's visitation to be a bit difficult for him and his teachers. Boy was I right. Tuesday have seem to be   a bad day for him. For the past 3 weeks his behavior has been pretty bad. His principal has called me saying that he's been hitting other kids in his class and calling them mean names. (These are names to the degree of a 5 year old.) I've told both Zach's teacher and principal about his behavior when it's time for his father's visitation. Zach and I are really lucky to have such a wonderful teacher and principal who is very willing to work with him during this transition. Since this has been a constant thing for 3 weeks now, I'm convinced that Zach's behavior at school has something to do with visitation.

I feel so bad for Zach. I ask him what's wrong and he starts crying. He feels really bad about his actions and apologizes for it, but he says that he's mad and angry because he wants to go to HIS home. As much as I want to tell him "Okay, mommy will pick you up after school instead", I can't. The courts have complete control over visitation. I want to help my boy feel better but it's beyond my control. I give him big hugs and smother him with kiss and tell him constantly that I love him in hopes of making him feel better however, it's only a temporary fix.

I'm looking for ways to help Zach with his anger and bad behavior at school. He loves school, playing with his friends, and learning. But these issues are holding him back from doing well in school.