Zach's 2nd Appointment

Took Zach to his 2nd ADD/ADHD appointment today, and this time his father decided to show up. We walked into the room and I sat in the smaller kiddie chair in the corner and J sat in the chair next to me. Dr. Leong collected J's evaluation paper that he had to fill out and right away her first comments was how different his evaluation is from mine and Zach's teacher. Then, J said in a cocky and arrogant way, "Well that's cause he doesn't have ADHD. He's a bad kid and his mom isn't disciplining him." Okay, low blow and accusations from the start. This appointment is going to be horrible. The doctor asked him if he has done any research on ADHD and he again said "No, I don't have to cause he doesn't have it." (Ignorant much?) She then told him that he has majority of the symptoms and that she feels Zach has "combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive ADHD". 

For those who don't know, there are 3 classifications of ADHD. Predominately hyperactive-impulsive, predominately inattentive, and combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. The doctor has placed him in the combined category because of the evaluations Zach's teacher and I filled out, and also from what she observed.

The doctor went on to explain the ways to treat ADHD and one of them was coping skills. This is something that both parents need to do for their child to help them. He refused to changed his parenting ways and said that since Zach doesn't act like this when he is with him he's not the one that needs to change. She then suggested we take parenting classes that specialize in parenting a kid with ADHD, and guess what, he said no that as well. The second way to treat ADHD is a help through the school (504 plan) which, thank God, they have already taken steps to do and do not need J's permission to do so. The third form of treatment is "the diet" which cuts carbs, sugars, and dyes from his diet and includes more protein. He reluctantly agreed to that one, but when I said that means NO MORE FAST FOOD, he gave me the look of death. I was actually getting a bit scared of him at this point. Fourth of course, is medication. Dr. Leong said that since he falls into the combined category, is doing poorly academically and socially in school, and there have been no changes, she suggests starting Zach on a dose of methylphenidate CR (Ritalin CR) and see if he improves while on the medication. J immediately said with an I know everything attitude "No, I'm not going to agree to it". Right then and there I just felt the huge lump in my throat and the tears about to pour out from my eyes. He then went on to insult me even more. Right in front of my son, he called me "a bad mom" and said all these issues are my fault because I don't punish Zach for his bad behavior.

I'm sorry but I refuse to beat my son into submission. I choose to approach his bad behavior differently. If Zach does something wrong, I give him a "1 strike" rule. For example, today a kid in Zach's class was "being mean" to him. So Zach took it into his own hands and pushed the kid. I saw this, walked up to Zach, came down to his level and said that he cannot push other people. I tell him it's mean and he could really hurt someone. Zach then told me why he pushed the kid and I told him if he feels like someone is being mean, he needs to find an adult and tell them, not take matters into his own hands. I then showed him what the right thing to do was by taking him over to another adult that was working on the playground with me and tell her what happened. After he did that I thanked him and told him to always find an adult if someone is being mean. I then asked him what would he do if another kid was being mean and he said "find an adult". I then asked him he needs to find the other kid and apologize for pushing him. He walked over to the kid and said sorry. After that I gave him a big hug and kiss, thanked him for apologizing, and sent him on his way. His father would have fought fire with fire, and spanked him for hitting another kid. I don't see how affective that would be when it comes to teaching a child not to it. Hitting is a major issue with Zachary at school, and his father's abusive form of parenting does not help the situation at all. Or a more recent form of punishment is when they got home from school, J made Zachary wash all the baseboards in the house. This seriously annoyed me. For one, don't make my son clean your mother's filthy house. Second, how in the hell is that a reasonable punishment for a 5 year old who got sent home from school early for hitting another student? Does any of this make sense to anyone?

But back to the appointment, I sat in my little kiddie sized chair and listened to this man insult me while my son sat there and watched. I don't want my son exposed to his father's angry ways, especially when his father is verbally abusing his mother. I refuse to let Zachary become the "man" his father is. Because I was literally trapped in a corner unable to escape this verbal attack, I grabbed my iPod and let Zach listen to his playlist. J's continually said I am a "bad mom" and I am a "weak person" because I let Zach get away with everything. Dr. Leong tried three times to change the subject in order for him to stop, but he went on bashing me as a person and as a mother.  After 45 minutes of J's rant, the doctor finally got J to stop and said she wants us back in 3 months to see if there is a change.

I kept my mouth shut the entire time and let him verbally attack me. I didn't want to have "mediation" in front of Zachary, so many time's I said "we are not discussing this here" and also apologized many times to the doctor. I thought it would be best for me to keep my mouth shut and let him ramble on like a mad man. It hurt to take so many low blows from a man that I truly despise.

After saying goodbye to my boy and giving him a big hug and kiss, J and Zach walked to their car. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I don't understand why this "man" is refusing to help his own son. He's so stubborn and selfish. He's so cocky and arrogant in his thinking that his ways are the best that it blinds him from seeing what's best for Zach. I questioned putting Zach on medications. After seeing that Zach's behavior is getting worse and seeing him struggle academically, I refused to let my personal opinion on medication prevent Zach from getting what's best for him.

So, I continue the fight for my son because he is unable to do it alone. I have many people who support me and what I am trying to do for my son. It always amazes me that people who have never met my son, are willing to do more for him than his own father is. Continue to keep us in your prayers. I hope I can find ways to get things moving sooner rather than later, but I have a bad feeling that this will be a long and difficult fight for us.

At the starting line of our race.

I've noticed a while back, probably when Zach was around 3 years old, that he was a very boisterous, active, and hyper child. Although this behavior was sometimes very frustrating, I didn't really think of it as "ADD/ADHD" but more along the lines of him being "all boy". However, things became even more apparent when I signed him up to play T-ball in the spring 2012.

He was the youngest kid on his team and it really showed. I enjoyed watching him play and interact with his teammates, but it was very frustrating at the same time. I felt like I was always nagging him. "Get out of the dirt", "Pay attention", "Keep your hands to yourself", "Stop picking the flowers". These were only a few of the comments I'd say to him while he was on the field. I tried my best to always coax him into listening and try to keep my calm about me. I didn't want him to see me as frustrated with him or annoyed. His father and his entire family on the other hand, would yell these and other comments in frustration and anger. Needless to say, sitting around them during the games was very difficult on me. I so badly wanted to turn to each and every one of them and give them a piece of my mind. The boy is 4 years old, almost 5 and they are yelling at him like this. I can imagine what future sporting events are going to be like. Seriously though, even though Zach had problems paying attention during the games, he was enjoying himself and it was great to see such wonderful little smiles light up his face. But like I said, he was very easily distracted and was definitely not socially ready for any sport. His coaches were all in agreement that one coach had to stand with him out on the field to help him concentrate on the game. Sometimes they even had to play a game of "Who can make it to base first" just to get him to run the bases. Throughout this season I grew even more concerned for Zachary's attention problem.

As the school year drew closer, I started focusing more on what school Zachary would be attending. From day one I wanted to put Zachary into private school. Not only would they give him the best education compared to the horrible public schools, but he would be in a safer environment, and with a smaller class size be able to get more attention from teachers if he were to need it. Zach's dad (throughout the entire blog I'll address him as J so his name won't appear on the blog) was completely against this idea. He didn't want Zachary to go to a private Catholic school because of the whole Catholic religion (which is a complete load of crap considering him and his entire family were present for Zachary's baptism into the Catholic Church, and he also allows Zachary to go to Church with me EVERY Sunday) but he also said he is not willing to pay for the schooling. I don't know about other parents who maybe reading this blog, but I personally would do anything and everything to give my child the best education possible. Him on the other hand, would rather put his selfish needs and wants before those of his son. So after taking the ex to court TWICE to get permission to place Zachary into this great school, I agreed to pay 100% of Zachary's educational needs while he is in priavte school. It is financially hard on me to have the $375 to pay for Zachary's tuition every month, but it's a sacrifice I am more than willing to make for my boy.

Zachary's first day of school at St. Adelaide Catholic Academy was an exciting one. We were both so excited the night before. I texted J asking him if he knew about Zach's first day of school and if he was going to be there. I never received a reply back. So it was just me and him on his first day of school. My little boy was extremely stoked to start school, me on the other hand was holding back the tears.

I walked him to his classroom, put his backpack and lunch in his cubby, and found his desk. Once he sat down an was all settled he said, "Mom, you can go now. Just come back to pick me up." Gosh I just wanted to cry, but at the same time I was so glad that he was eager to start school. So I gave him a big hug and kissed him on his forehead like I always do, said a little prayer with him, and left. When I picked him up and asked his teacher how his first day of school was, I was told that he had to be reminded many times to keep his hands to himself. Hitting has always been an issue ever since Zachary was very little. Not to go into much detail about why, but I'll just say his father and I have very different parenting styles and opinions. I have a more "positive discipline/attachment parenting/aware parenting" approach and he has the more "authoritarian parenting/punishment based parenting". (FYI about different parenting styles)<---Just if anyone is curious about how largely different our parenting styles are. But getting back on topic, this is one of the issues that I hear about everyday from his teacher and principal. Another concern his teacher has was how difficult it is for Zachary to sit down and do school work. She said the only way she could get him to work on his school work was to sit right next to him and tell him step by step what to do. Because of my growing concern for Zachary and the many comments I received from his coaches, pediatrician, teachers and the judge who handled our court case, I made an appointment to get Zachary evaluated and tested for ADD/ADHD. J was completely against  getting Zachary tested. I believe that his thoughts on Zachary's behavior isn't the possibility that he has ADD/ADHD, but the simple explanation of him being a bad, disobedient, disrespectful child. Ignoring his stupidity, I made an appointment on August 27th at 2pm and within days of scheduling this, Zachary's dad cancelled the appointment. I refused to let this man win, I would not allow Zachary to struggle in school for something that is beyond his control. I made another appointment for September 10th at 9am.

As many of the parents with ADD/ADHD kids know, I had to fill out a nice little packet asking me questions about my pregnancy with Zachary, the delivery, as well as many other questions concerning Zachary's developmental history, behavioral history, attention and activity history, school history, medical history, and family history. I also filled out paperwork called the "NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessment Scale" and his teacher filled out one as well. Our answers were very similar and his teacher  at the time had only spend about 2 weeks with him.

The appointment/evaluation itself was about 45 minutes. Dr. Leong asked Zachary many questions and ran many tests on him as well. The first thing she did with Zachary was ask Zachary to remember three words. The words were elephant, football, and orange. Once the doctor told him these words, almost immediately Zachary told us many stories about elephants and how he saw them at the zoo and they are one of his favorite animals. He also told the doctor that he likes to watch football and play football, it's especially fun when the quarterback says hike and you run off far away and catch the ball. He then told the doctor that cuties (orange) was one of his favorite fruits to eat. She knew he remembered what the three words were because of the very vivid and descriptive stories that he told us. Throughout the appointment she would ask him to perform certain tasks and then ask him if he remembered the three words. He would repeat them back to her "elephant, football, and cuties". She said that he is a very smart and intelligent boy and uses association to remember things (ex. cuties in place of oranges). After the doctor was finished evaluating Zach, she questioned me about my concerns for Zach. She said that he shows many symptoms of ADHD and we need to go into further evaluations before treatment starts. She said that we need to start Zachary on a high protein diet and cut out the sugars and carbs from Zach's diet and see if that helps with his behavior. (So if any of you experienced parents have any meal/food ideas, please share) I told her that Zachary eats constantly but he hasn't gained any weight since he was 2.5 years old, and she felt that because he has so much energy the ADHD could possibily be the reason why. She also asked me about the father's parenting techniques. Before I could even get a word in Zachary told the doctor "I don't like going over to my dad's. He's mean to me." She asked him why he thinks his dad is mean and Zachary answered, "I don't like it when he spanks me" Then the doctor asked me if this was true and I told her that I don't usually see any bruising on his body, but Zach tells me a lot when his father does hit him. (Yes, I've called CPS many times, but here in California it's completely legal to hit/spank/beat a child just as long as no marks or bruises are left on the child's body. Pretty darn horrible right?) She asked if his parenting style was authoritative or punitive and I said that it had been since day one. Oh man, I can tell you some horror stories about the things J used to do as punishment towards Zach. This is the top reason why we are no longer together. Moving on, Dr. Leong became very concerned because she felt  the reason Zachary's father is parenting in this style is because he sees Zachary behavior as him being bad or defiant, and not that there is a possibility that he has ADHD. She also mentioned that our totally different approaches to parenting Zach may also be causing conflict and she wants to make an appointment that the father can make because she wants to get him on the same page as her and I. She also felt that J needs some general parenting classes as well as both of us taking classes for parenting kids with ADHD, which is something I am really looking forward to. At the end of the appointment we arranged another so that J can be a part of it and so that Dr. Leong can express her thoughts and concerns to him. Before we left the hospital, Zachary had to do an EKG as well as get some blood tests done, which he was no happy about at all.

That's pretty much it as far as testing so far. I'm trying really hard to put Zachary on this diet, but it's pretty hard. Not only is this diet for him, but I cannot let this boy go on it alone. So I'm on it as well. I'm slowly easing into it because I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. Like I stated above, I need help on this topic. If any of the readers have pointers, books, information, or anything at all for a newbie like us, please don't be afraid to comment below, find me on Facebook, or email me.