Took Zach to his 2nd ADD/ADHD appointment today, and this time his father decided to show up. We walked into the room and I sat in the smaller kiddie chair in the corner and J sat in the chair next to me. Dr. Leong collected J's evaluation paper that he had to fill out and right away her first comments was how different his evaluation is from mine and Zach's teacher. Then, J said in a cocky and arrogant way, "Well that's cause he doesn't have ADHD. He's a bad kid and his mom isn't disciplining him." Okay, low blow and accusations from the start. This appointment is going to be horrible. The doctor asked him if he has done any research on ADHD and he again said "No, I don't have to cause he doesn't have it." (Ignorant much?) She then told him that he has majority of the symptoms and that she feels Zach has "combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive ADHD".
For those who don't know, there are 3 classifications of ADHD. Predominately hyperactive-impulsive, predominately inattentive, and combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. The doctor has placed him in the combined category because of the evaluations Zach's teacher and I filled out, and also from what she observed.
The doctor went on to explain the ways to treat ADHD and one of them was coping skills. This is something that both parents need to do for their child to help them. He refused to changed his parenting ways and said that since Zach doesn't act like this when he is with him he's not the one that needs to change. She then suggested we take parenting classes that specialize in parenting a kid with ADHD, and guess what, he said no that as well. The second way to treat ADHD is a help through the school (504 plan) which, thank God, they have already taken steps to do and do not need J's permission to do so. The third form of treatment is "the diet" which cuts carbs, sugars, and dyes from his diet and includes more protein. He reluctantly agreed to that one, but when I said that means NO MORE FAST FOOD, he gave me the look of death. I was actually getting a bit scared of him at this point. Fourth of course, is medication. Dr. Leong said that since he falls into the combined category, is doing poorly academically and socially in school, and there have been no changes, she suggests starting Zach on a dose of methylphenidate CR (Ritalin CR) and see if he improves while on the medication. J immediately said with an I know everything attitude "No, I'm not going to agree to it". Right then and there I just felt the huge lump in my throat and the tears about to pour out from my eyes. He then went on to insult me even more. Right in front of my son, he called me "a bad mom" and said all these issues are my fault because I don't punish Zach for his bad behavior.
I'm sorry but I refuse to beat my son into submission. I choose to approach his bad behavior differently. If Zach does something wrong, I give him a "1 strike" rule. For example, today a kid in Zach's class was "being mean" to him. So Zach took it into his own hands and pushed the kid. I saw this, walked up to Zach, came down to his level and said that he cannot push other people. I tell him it's mean and he could really hurt someone. Zach then told me why he pushed the kid and I told him if he feels like someone is being mean, he needs to find an adult and tell them, not take matters into his own hands. I then showed him what the right thing to do was by taking him over to another adult that was working on the playground with me and tell her what happened. After he did that I thanked him and told him to always find an adult if someone is being mean. I then asked him what would he do if another kid was being mean and he said "find an adult". I then asked him he needs to find the other kid and apologize for pushing him. He walked over to the kid and said sorry. After that I gave him a big hug and kiss, thanked him for apologizing, and sent him on his way. His father would have fought fire with fire, and spanked him for hitting another kid. I don't see how affective that would be when it comes to teaching a child not to it. Hitting is a major issue with Zachary at school, and his father's abusive form of parenting does not help the situation at all. Or a more recent form of punishment is when they got home from school, J made Zachary wash all the baseboards in the house. This seriously annoyed me. For one, don't make my son clean your mother's filthy house. Second, how in the hell is that a reasonable punishment for a 5 year old who got sent home from school early for hitting another student? Does any of this make sense to anyone?
But back to the appointment, I sat in my little kiddie sized chair and listened to this man insult me while my son sat there and watched. I don't want my son exposed to his father's angry ways, especially when his father is verbally abusing his mother. I refuse to let Zachary become the "man" his father is. Because I was literally trapped in a corner unable to escape this verbal attack, I grabbed my iPod and let Zach listen to his playlist. J's continually said I am a "bad mom" and I am a "weak person" because I let Zach get away with everything. Dr. Leong tried three times to change the subject in order for him to stop, but he went on bashing me as a person and as a mother. After 45 minutes of J's rant, the doctor finally got J to stop and said she wants us back in 3 months to see if there is a change.
I kept my mouth shut the entire time and let him verbally attack me. I didn't want to have "mediation" in front of Zachary, so many time's I said "we are not discussing this here" and also apologized many times to the doctor. I thought it would be best for me to keep my mouth shut and let him ramble on like a mad man. It hurt to take so many low blows from a man that I truly despise.
After saying goodbye to my boy and giving him a big hug and kiss, J and Zach walked to their car. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I don't understand why this "man" is refusing to help his own son. He's so stubborn and selfish. He's so cocky and arrogant in his thinking that his ways are the best that it blinds him from seeing what's best for Zach. I questioned putting Zach on medications. After seeing that Zach's behavior is getting worse and seeing him struggle academically, I refused to let my personal opinion on medication prevent Zach from getting what's best for him.
So, I continue the fight for my son because he is unable to do it alone. I have many people who support me and what I am trying to do for my son. It always amazes me that people who have never met my son, are willing to do more for him than his own father is. Continue to keep us in your prayers. I hope I can find ways to get things moving sooner rather than later, but I have a bad feeling that this will be a long and difficult fight for us.
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